平時只要踩中了某些特定的點，我會瞬間失去耐心、進入備戰狀態。其中最大的點可能要屬「聞到二手菸」。我的感官非常敏銳，通常Narayan或其他人根本都還沒聞到，我已經被嗆到不行了，心裡各種對話跑出。
Narayan會說，「得肺癌已經夠慘了，不要再讓自己得『心癌』吧！」意思就是，二手菸對我是種傷害沒錯，但我對這件事的反應，卻給自己造成了不必要的二度傷害。他也常說，那些人在傷害自己的同時也傷害他人，是很需要我發揮同理心的。
我回他，「我也希望自己像你一樣心平氣和、善解人意呀！」（心想：像你這種父母都是瑜伽老師、本身還是胎裡素的人，脾氣能差到哪裡去？！）但他告訴我，「認識你以前，有整整四年的時間，我把『覺察和接受自己的情緒、練習同理心』當作每天最重要的事情。我把所有生活開支以外的錢都拿去上一個接一個的禪修課程，週末就到監獄或貧民區去帶瑜伽和冥想工作坊......『在自己身上下功夫』是我最重要的課題。」
我很震驚。一直以來我把他的好修養歸功於他的背景，卻忽略他付出了多大的努力。如果我沒付出這些努力，又憑什麼羨慕他呢？
面對自己、為自己的情緒負責真的不容易。把一切都怪罪到他人身上看似容易多了，但同時也是將自己的力量交出去。這不是說他人沒有責任，但如果一個人的幸福感完全取決於他人的行為，那恐怕永遠都要陷在「受害者」的身份裡，用這個作為自己情緒不好、人生不如意的藉口。
對我來說，這是一個緩慢又痛苦的蛻變過程；但我再也不想讓他人左右我的心理或人生狀態了。
*****
There’re a few things that really trigger me, especially secondhand smoke. I have an acute sense of smell, so oftentimes I’m already almost choking and cursing while Narayan has no idea why.
He’d say, “It’s bad enough to get lung cancer, so spare yourself the ‘heart cancer’! Those people need your compassion.”
I once responded, “Well, I wish I could be as kind and understanding as you!” What he said next made me think for a long time. He said it’s not like he grew up like this. He spent a lot of effort working on himself, and for four years, he worked just so he could afford meditation retreats, and offered yoga and meditation classes in prisons and slums.
At that moment, something shifted in me. I had always attributed his peaceful presence to his upbringing, and never thought that it wasn’t easy for him to get this far, either. Who am I to say I envy him when I haven’t even put in 1% of the effort that he has?
It’s challenging to take radical responsibility for your state of being. Blaming others for our misfortune seems so much easier, but at the same time you’re stripping your power away. I’m not saying others are never responsible for their behavior, but if your happiness depends solely on others, I see the potential for using that as an excuse for your indignation, being trapped in a victim mindset, and feeling disempowered to change.
Transformation could be a long and painful process, but I no longer want to give my power away.
#transformation #mindfulness
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